Emptiness
by fizzazie
Summary: The team leader of the BladeBreakers self-reflects during the most joyous time of the year. A Kai-centric fic for y'all.


**Shinzui's Rolling Rant:** Meep! Writer's block... so I had to write this in order to get some sort of inspiration for meh "Just A Toy". Hmm... This fic shows slight angst and is Kai-centric. And... that's all I have to say. Anyways, reviews are greatly appreciated - they tell me how well I do with this writing stuff. I, personally, think that this fic will suck - so bear/bare - whatever the right word is - with me. Now, here's the ficcie! Enjoy! 

_**Disclaimer:** The characters, items, etc. of Beyblade are **not** mine. These things were used without permission, but…I'm just borrowing them for a little while for my own twisted and demented purposes. So don't you dare sue me, just sue my evil twin. oO' I made this fic for entertainment only, and **not** for making money._

**Emptiness**   
By Shinzui 

The clock read 11:59 pm, one more minute till midnight, one more minight till Christmas, one more minute till he drives deeper into his own despair. 

Sitting silently on the cold floor, Kai was staring at the gargantuan Christmas tree before him; staring at it in the middle of silence. The tree, itself, was barely decorated, let alone did it have a lot of gifts underneath. But, by all means, what was there to worry about? Christmas wasn't just about having the best Christmas tree or having tons of gifts. No, it wasn't at all. 

Christmas is about happiness, sharing, giving, and all the smiles and laughter. But most of all, Christmas is about love and is also a time for families all around the world to get together - even for one little day. A time where everybody forgives and forgets. A time where everybody gets alone. A time where everybody could forget their problems because they are surrounded by love from their friends and families. 

How Kai wished that it was like that with his life. But no, his family didn't care enough to notice that he was in pain. They didn't care enough to be together for one special night. They didn't care enough to create a bond that they never had in the past. They didn't care enough to make him feel better, to make him feel that he mattered. They didn't care enough to be there when he needed them the most. They just didn't care. 

That's why he hated Christmas. Hated all the families, loving one another because his family never knew what love means. Hated all the feelings that came along with Christmas - especially happiness and joy. Hated the holiday itself because it brought him nothing but pain. 

But, regardless of how much he hated Christmas and how much suffering it had caused him, the holiday was still celebrated. It still came. 

Yet, that didn't matter. Kai was perfectly fine with hating Christmas by himself. Yes, he would be fine with that. He didn't mind that his parents were celebrating it in who-knows-where; didn't care that maybe his Grandfather was celebrating it as well; didn't care that his friends, the BladeBreakers, were celebrating it. Yup, he'd be fine - after all, nothing ever seemed to get on his nerves. 

But then again... his life was filled with lies. 

Sighing, Kai glanced at the clock once again, his eyes straining hard to see what time it is. With the soft rays of the moon as his only light source, and with the clock all the way to the darkest side - he did have a hard time. Then he suddenly heard the digital clock at the other room beep almost annoyingly, signaling that it was midnight. The one moment where all of his flashbacks would start haunting him again... 

... No wait, he didn't have any memories. They were all pushed away at some corner in his mind. He then remembered the time his team mates were talking about their childhood lives. Childhood... yet another thing that he didn't have either. All he remembered is pain and suffering, being given orders to collect all the Bitbeasts and following them obediently, no questions asked. That was all he remembered... nothing more than that. 

He can vaguely remember what happened before that; what happened when he was in the dark abbey. All he can recall was training - intense, vigourous training - and striving for perfection. Perfection... Was that the only reason why he was born into this world? To crave for something that does not technically exist? 

Maybe... maybe it is. Maybe that's why he was still alive... because he hadn't fulfill his purpose yet. Or was it because the world wanted him to suffer? For all the mistakes he made? The latter seemed more appropriate in this matter... 

He blinked when he was brought back to reality, and he glanced at the clock again - 7 minutes after midnight. Damn. He told himself that he should stop zoning out like that. 

Holding sadness deep within them, his dull crimson gaze fell on his pitiful attempt to make himself believe that somebody cared - a simple gift wrapped box and he knew exactly what it contained. For he had wrapped it himself... 

It was his pitiful attempt to make himself believe that somebody cared... And that somebody, was him. 

How pathetic. 

He picked up the box and opened it, revealing two items - a switchblade and a group picture of his team. He placed one item on each hand, and he glanced back and forth. Switchblade... picture... Which one should he choose? Life or Death? 

_Life..._

His gaze fell upon the picture, his eyes studying his friends' faces. They were all smiling, including him - but if one were to look closely, his eyes held despair. Fake... another one of his fake smiles. Just like the rest of them. But that was fine... yes, definitely fine since no one seemed to care. 

A cold stab of pain struck him at the thought of his friends surrounded by love and warmth, while he was left here in isolation and silence. But that is what he is. 

Cold. 

Alone. 

Empty. 

Kai envied his friends. They have a family while he had nothing. They have memories while he does not. They have happiness - true happiness - while he had pain, unbearable pain. 

_ Too.   
Much.   
Pain. _

_Death..._ Numb fingers gripped the switchblade and he flicked it open. The blade glittered faintly, beckoning the Red Phoenix to quench it's thirst... it's thirst for blood. His blood. 

With a slightly shaking hand, he lifted the blade and began to trace a long line from his wrist down to the middle of his arm. He felt his pain slip away with his blood, and he smiled faintly. "Death... Death to me for I don't have a purpose to live for..." 

His life essence clinged around the edge of the blade, and it trickled down to the floor.But that didn't matter... not to him anyway. He applied more pressure, digging the blade to his skin, and a small flood of crimson liquid poured out from his wound. Now... he felt satisfied - complete. He then asked himself why he hadn't done this before; if he had, then he wouldn't be a living shell. 

His many years of suffering made himself more hollow than ever; the emptiness slowly gnawing away at his very tattered soul. Then the whole room went dark as the pale room was concealed by dark clouds. Yet he didn't feel afraid... he actually welcomed the darkness. For this is where he truly belonged. The only place where he truly felt safe... even though it brought loneliness. 

He suddenly heard the phone ring, so he stood up to answer it. It was Tyson... The Blue Dragon wanted him to come to the Christmas Party they had organized. At this time of the day? Well, he would never understand his friends... and that's what he liked about them. He politely declined the invitation, saying that he was busy and bid farewell. But he wasn't busy, so that counted as another lie. He knew why he didn't want to be there... 

He didn't belong. 

He didn't fit in; he didn't feel welcome in his friends' warm and pleasant world. He was different from them. He... 

The phone rang again and he answered it. His hand dropped the blade to the ground when he found out that it was Rei. The White Tiger's voice was heavy with concern when he asked him if he was okay. Somebody wanted to know if he was okay? Crystal clear drops of warm water fell from his eyes, staining the floor, never to be seen or noticed by anyone at all. 

"Kai?" 

His depression became overwhelming, and more tears started to fall. "I'm fine, Rei. Don't worry about me..." His voice quivered while he spoke, yet his words sound hollow. He knew that Rei sensed that... 

"You don't sound like you're fine, Kai... Are you-" He wasn't able to hear what the Chinese Beyblader wanted to say next because he hung up on him. He knew that he wasn't okay... but he still said that he was fine, seeing that everyone expected him to be fine. All because he was an emotionless boy... someone who shouldn't feel any pain. He would be fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. 

Biting back a choked sound, he curled up in a corner, hugging his knees closer to his chest. He shivered involuntarily and let out a shaky sigh. He layed his head on his knees and made no effort to stop his tears from flowing. 

_- Owari -_

**Shinzui's Rolling Rant:** And that's done. Meep... it's a bit weird, don't you think? Dark, even? -shrugs- Anyways, this is something I came up with in the middle of the night, so yeah. And I must say that this came out a lot more weirder than I expected. Ah well... you be the judge. I'm contemplating about continuing this or not, but if I did continue it - it would have to wait until I finish "Just A Toy". Anyways... gotta go now. Ja! 


End file.
